Ratus Vagina


The other evening a great fat rat scurried across the floor of the bar. As it casually circumnavigated it’s way around the tables and chairs,  none of the other customers batted an eyelid or seemed in the least bit bothered. The trouble was, I was. Rats are the only animals that really petrify me. Mice, tarantulas, man eating tigers, Lions and poisonous snakes don’t scare me at all, but rats! …..Rats give me the absolute creeps.  Irishman sensing my anxiety and keen to avoid a fit of histrionics , swiftly ordered another drink so as to anesthetize my shock and to be fair it worked because after 20 minutes or so I’d totally forgotten about horrid rattus norvegicus brushing past our table with his sharp, yellow teeth and hideous scaly tail, and had instead, turned my thoughts to what we might have for dinner.

We left the bar and walked out into the night along the bustling main street of Sanur. There were so many choices of places to eat, that it was impossible to make a snap decision so we decided to keep walking as there no rush, and it was a beautiful sultry Balinese evening.  After meandering long enough, we eventually stopped outside a restaurant and had just started to look at the menu out on the roadside, when there was a power cut. Suddenly, every electric light in Sanur went out and the entire village was plunged into darkness and blissful silence. Only the candles left twinkling on the tables in the restaurants and bars gave any hint of life, and a peaceful hush descended everywhere as the music stopped playing, and the only sound that could be heard was a lone chanteuse somewhere in the far distance.

Being as it was now pitch dark, and impossible to see anything, fate seemed to have had played its hand in deciding the restaurant for us that evening so we gingerly made our way up into ‘Caesar’s’ tripping up the steps and bashing into chairs and tables blindly as we tried to follow the waitress through the darkness to a table.

A little bruised and battered, but now comfortably seated, our eyes began to adjust to night vision mode. Rather worryingly, having  got to the safety of a table, I immediately picked up on an appalingly acrid stench of  pee. The eye- watering sort that one encounters when visiting the squat and drop toilets at busy French motorway service stations in the height of summer. Where this vile smell was emanating from was hard to tell but it was seriously disgusting and unfortunately we were directly down wind from it. In the gloaming, I could just make out the silhouettes of a few fellow diners but as they didn’t seem to be in the least bit fussed I willed the putrid smell to go away and ordered some beer.

Caesar’s is certainly not the place to go to if you hate being rushed. Within 5 minutes of our arrival, 3 different waitresses came to our table and asked us if we were ready to order food. The Irishman hates being hassled and was about to have a major paddy and was threatening to leave, but as it was still very dark and my nose was slowly beginning to get acclimatized to the strong smell of urine, I begged him to stay as this time I was the one who didn’t want my spouse creating a scene. We quickly ordered what turned out to be not very good fayre and  as we were finishing our meal the lights came on. It then became apparent where the mal odour was coming from. Not far from where we were sitting, there was a large table covered in fish, neatly arranged on a bed of packed ice. Because it was quite late, the kitchen staff where starting to pack it away into boxes presumably to use the following day. As they lifted the fish up off the ice, the stench was unbelievable. Gagging behind our napkins, we quickly paid the bill and left. The only redeeming feature of Caesar’s was the fact that they gave us a free lift home.

The following morning whilst out shopping, a young woman handed me a leaflet in the street. Normally I would have tossed it into the nearest bin or put it into my handbag to use later as a wrap to stick some ancient, well masticated Nicorette into, but I happened to notice that it was advertising treatments at a local beauty salon.

My two major concerns on the vanity front after moving to Jakarta were A) finding somewhere to get my highlights done and B)  somewhere to get my eyebrows waxed. I’ve succeeded on finding a hair salon that doesn’t make my hair go bright yellow, or worse still green, but I’ve yet to find anywhere in the whole of Jakarta that does eyebrow waxing. It seems you can get just about everything else waxed but eyebrows alas, seemed to have been overlooked.

Reading down the list of Angels Spa and Beauty Salon I was very intrigued and a little excited to see something called Ratus Vagina. Clearly this particular treatment at Rp 80,000 (£6.00 or $12) has nothing to do with eyebrows but I made a mental note to Google it as soon as we got back to Jakarta.

And here it is. I don’t suggest you read this whilst you are eating your cornflakes, and I will leave you to make up your own minds up about it though of course I would be delighted for any comments and also to hear from anyone who’s been brave enough to try out Ratus Vagina first hand. For the time being, I think I’m just going to stick with getting my hair bleached and my eyebrows waxed.

A Different Kind of Spa Experience for Women | The Jakarta Globe

http://www.thejakartaglobe.com/lifeandtimes/a-different-kind…/366851

31 Mar 2010 – The vagina is then subjected to ratus or fogging, which is said to have a number of benefits, such as reducing itchiness caused by a yeast

25 Comments

  1. Vagina-treatment is offered here too, but I’m not interested. What I wanted to comment: Once in a restaurant in Sanur a rat had fallen on my wife’s head while eating.

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    1. That’s just what I want to hear!! I bet it was the rat that bit through the electricity cables that caused the power cut.
      I’m glad you are not interested in the vagina treatment…I’d be very worried if you were!

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    1. Snakes and Lizards are wonderful creatures. As you can tell I am not a lover of rats so I tend to blame them for lots of bad things even though it’s not always their fault. I can’t stop thinking of your wife and the rat falling on her head….She must be a remarkable lady, I think I would have died.

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      1. At first she didn’t noticed what it was that moved in her hair, and she thought, the waiter was doing funny things with her. But I saw that little head looking out of her hair.
        A snake falling down on you from the roof? ARRGH! This would be much worse.

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  2. I think it’s a perfect headline, what else could I have called it?
    It’s not everyday one stumbles upon ratus vagina.
    actually i really hope that i never stumble upon it.

    as for bringing live rats in on the act…….if fish are used to in spas to nibble the skin of feet, anythings possible round here

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      1. I have to confess that I’ve never been to fish nibbling spa but I am tempted – there is something rather yuk about it that appeals to me. Having said that, RV (can’t bear to even write it now) is seriously yuk and it holds no appeal for me whatsoever.

        Swiftly moving onto another subject – great news about you selling your paintings!

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  3. They have a sort of vagina in the states called “vaginal rejuvenation.” It is a laser treatment designed to tighten one. I’ll stick to my kegels and normal bathing habits, thakyouverymuch.

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    1. Me too! There is also something rather invasive called ‘The Designer Vagina’ but that’s going down the ‘nip n’ tuck route. It was the line about the ‘fogging’ that really got my imagination going….

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  4. While being driven back to Seminyak from the north of Bali yesterday, I noticed a couple of salons (in the middle of nowhere) advertising this ‘ratus vagina’ treatment outside their salons – thanks for the explanation. It makes me cringe!

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    1. You and me both. The very thought of having my vagina ‘fogged’ makes me sick. Jeez Louise and perish the thought! I don’t know if you clicked on the link that I put on but it gives you a fairly ‘full frontal’ of the proceedings. Thanks for your comment and great to hear from you 🙂

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      1. what a fascinating lady you are! i’ve just been to your site. OMG (actually i really hate it when people say that !) but you know Mysteries, one of my favourite shops in London! Moving swiftly on from vaginas to Tarot…..the last reading I had there was about 4 years ago, everything has come true! Please keep in touch 🙂 Lottie

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      1. Although I am known to be “in a fog” at times and do go looking for fog when romping in the swamp, I do believe this particular fog is not for me. And while it is just a wild guess, I would feel very confident that it is not for Mrs. Steve either. 🙂

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    1. Can you imagine? sitting on a bucket with basically a smokey bonfire going on in between your legs…..?? Just for the record, the rat in the bar was a regular feature – we went there most weekends when we visited Bali and I’d often see him whizzing between the tables, his own rat-run between customers chairs, totally cool and matter of fact.

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