Whilst stuck in one of Jakarta’s notorious traffic jams yesterday afternoon, I decided it was time to give my handbag a much needed clear out. Fortunately there was a carrier bag lurking in the depths of it which meant that I had a convenient vessel for putting all the rubbish in. Before I go any further, I need to make something clear; I am, generally speaking a reasonably tidy and organized sort of person. I hate mess and clutter and I can’t think straight, or work if there is shambles everywhere but, there are two exceptions to this rule; one is how I keep my handbag and the other’s my car. It’s said that women should be a slut in the bedroom and the sluttier they are the better no doubt, and that’s fine by me, but I don’t think I’ve heard told that it’s desirable for women to be slatterns when it comes to their handbags or motorcars.
The reason that I’m telling you this is, that having revealed in my last post to you that a significant birthday is coming up, I’ve been thinking about asking Irishman for a significant birthday present. Last year my birthday was a right-off as he had meetings all that week and the weekend and was therefore too busy to manage to get out to buy me a present. This year I thought I’d start making hints about my birthday weeks before the event so that he could prepare for it. I already know that he’s booked the day off work so that we can spend time together, but as far as I’m aware having now searched every cupboard and drawer in the apartment, there is no evidence of any present buying thus far which is worrying as we are just days away from the big event.
So here is the bag and the contents that I removed from it, and if anyone can boast a more filthy bag then I’d love to see photographic evidence – not that I’m remotely competitive or anything.
This bag which is sporting an image from Damien Hirst’s ‘Pharmacy Bar’, often gets admiring glances from passers-by who, blissfully unaware of it’s gross contents, compliment me on my ‘lovely bag’ and I love it too because it’s big and great for traveling (and also of course as a portable bin). I bought it last summer when we went to see the Damien Hurst exhibition at the Tate Modern in London but having now revealed to the world it’s shocking contents, I think you will agree that although the exterior is pure Hirst, the interior is definitely more akin to Tracey Emin’s ‘My Bed.
http://www.saatchi-gallery.co.uk/artists/artpages/tracey_emin_my_bed.htm
http://www2.tate.org.uk/pharmacy/
I can’t bear to think what Sigmund Freud would make of it. If women’s handbags really are symbols of their vaginas then mine’s very large, in a terrible mess and desperately in need of some vaginal rejuvenation, which is what got me thinking about my significant present…..
I took Irishman on a window-shopping trip the other day to show him a handbag that I’ve been lusting after for over a year now. Apart from a pair of outrageously expensive Prada sunglasses that I bought when under the influence of alcohol 18 months ago and then stupidly left on an aeroplane a couple of months later (strangely not under the influence of alcohol) I have never really coveted designer clothes or accessories which is a blessing really as there’s no way that I could afford them. Having said all of that, we are fortunate here in Jakarta because if one should so wish, there are some great places to get really good copies of designer clothes and bags at a fraction of the price that they would be anywhere else.
The object of my desire is a perfect copy/fake of a Hermes bag in a glorious orange colour. Irishman approves, and likes it a lot too, which is excellent as it means that in just a few days time it could be swinging jauntily on my arm if I play my cards right. There is just one small problem. On the way back from the shop Irishman asked me a question ‘Lottieness, if I buy you that bag for your birthday, can you 100% guarantee me that it won’t end up a filthy, disgusting mess like the rest of them?’
I couldn’t lie to him, I had to be honest. I told him that I fervently hoped that it wouldn’t, that I’d try to take the best care of it, that I’d try to never shove disgusting pieces of chewed up gum wrapped in old receipts or bits of grotty tissue in it, that I wouldn’t use it for carrying seashells on the beach or taking tasty smakerels about in. In short that I would do my upmost to keep it as clean and tidy as possible but, I couldn’t absolutely guarantee him 100% .When I woke up this morning my first rather shallow thought of the day was ‘Ohh Orange handbag’ and then with that in my mind, my second more sobering thought of the day was ‘Can you teach an old dog new tricks?’
The photo below has nothing to do with vaginas or handbags or anything really – it’s just a sign on the back of the ladies toilet. I haven’t a clue what it means other than that it’s the ‘rules and code of conduct’ when using the toilet – one of them being ‘please don’t have diarrhoea’?
Lottie Nevin - The Red House Diaries 
Don’t go for the Hermes one, Bottega Veneta is better. Did you know your handbag is PH3 by the way. There’s not many people know that.
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Well Thanks for that Andrew… who’d have thought eh? I’ll go and check out the Bottega Veneta 🙂
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Hmmm, my daily purse is a small vintage Coach cross-body style leather bag (paid $1 at a thrift store), stuffed so full I can’t zip it. I’m afraid to go bigger as I’ll just stuff even more in there. Now what does that say about my vagina, I wonder?
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I’d be worried if I were you – it sounds like you may need the vagina re-juvenation more than I do – it’s the bulging I’m most concerned about, possible prolapse? eek!
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Damn Freud anyway. Was hoping a well-stuffed purse had a rosier interpretation…Good luck with your orange Hermes, BTW, it sounds divine!
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I’ll keep you up to speed with ALL things handbag related, it’s what is known as sisterhood! 🙂
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Don’t worry about Freud what the heck did he know about handbags anyway? unless of course he was a closet cross-dresser. He was partial to a line or two of coke so the handbag theory probably came when he was stoned. Who knows but I’ll tell you one thing for sure, that orange handbag IS divine! 🙂
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I so can’t wait to see the new bag! I’m living my purse fantasies vicariously through you. Please, please post a pic!!
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‘The Purse Fantasies’ – now there’s something you could write about?
Off to buy bag later today, pray it’s still in the shop! And I promise that I shall post a picture of it on my birthday, the 29th (still time to get DHL to deliver cards and gifts lol!)
I did check out the bags that Andrew mentioned in his comment and they are indeed stunning, but this orange fake has stolen my heart, oh shallow, vain woman that I am 🙂
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Oh Lottie, you’re a star 🙂 What a lovely piece. And such a colourful trashbag, too…
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Thanks Richard, I’m glad you enjoyed it 🙂
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I posted years ago a comparison between girls and boys. The boy had a messy bedroom, but an immaculate car; the girl had a messy car, but an immaculate bedroom. So don’t feel too bad.
AV
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That’s made me feel lots better, thank you! 🙂
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It’s 6:30 a.m. and I’m laughing quite a bit (I’m not a morning person, either.) It’s going to be a good day. Thanks for that, my dear friend! 🙂
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My pleasure Steph and I’m delighted that it made you laugh, that’s always an excellent way to start any day 😉
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Take Andrew’s advice. He seems to know what he’s talking about. (What the devil is PH3?) And I’d say my Baggallini, like my vagina, is serviceable but nothing special.
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Well, dang. If you and all of those commenters get any funnier, I’ll have to stop reading your blog. I am still giggling to myself. And, 3 cats near by think I have gone cukoo or el nuts-o. Believe it or not- I don’t have a large tote/bag/purse simply because a big bag/purse/tote makes me look plum stupid. I’m 5’4″ tall and small boned so I do look a bit odd with a large bag. I am a slob as well without having a large bag. My husband used to tell me that my SUV looked like a trash can. I am neater now about my vehicle- odd, now that I think about it.
But all this Freudian stuff had me laughing out loiud. That’s how I scared the cats. :-)They seldom hear me laugh. I did not get around to your post until a bit ago. I spent a long while on the phone with Costco tech support trying to right the wrong, with my computer. I could not access Yahoo.
Anyhow, I am hopeful that you will receive the orange bag that you covet. Can you covet a non entity?
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Hello! very lovely to hear from you and I’m glad you had a laugh. I’m also delighted to hear that you are as much as a slattern with your car as I am. I don’t know if you ever read my post called ‘Driving the vicar’ or not but you’ll discover how I got caught out the hard way. I still laugh about it even now thought at the time it was seriously embarrassing!! off to get the bag tomorrow…can’t tell you how excited I am! X
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Great. I can now breathe again since you’ll be getting that orange bag that you totally deserve. You could even put some of that produce from the market in the bag. 🙂
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oh and well done for using the v-word in a blog heading. I’ve just heard it bleeped on daytime telly. Apparently it’s too shocking,
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Sarah you’ve got to be kidding me??? Seriously? The ‘C’ word fair enough, but VAGINA? So what are they going to call ‘The Vagina Monologues’ now? and what do we call a PENIS?….Is that rude too?
This is totally NUTS (pun fully intended!) Maybe it’s going to be very ‘on trend’ now to refer to Vaginas on daytime telly as ‘Handbags’ and Men’s parts as ……..I can see a new post coming soon! 😉
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My daughter carries strange things in her handbag, (which, where I come from, we call a purse) including maple syrup…just in case. When the bottle it was in leaked ( a glass bottle, of course) it covered everything in her purse–including her iPhone–with a nice sticky coating of maple syrup. My daughter, who could charm the pants off a snake, brought her maple syrup covered phone into Apple and they gave her a new one… no questions asked.
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I love your daughter. I haven’t met her but already I know that she and I are soul-sisters. Anyone that carries maple syrup around in their bag has got real ‘cred’ as far as I’m concerned. She’s clearly also got style because she has an iphone, and lastly BALLS for going into Apple and getting a spanking new phone. She’ll go far!
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OMG. Hilarious, Sis! And I absolutely LOVE your photographic evidence. I’m afraid I can’t take pics of my handbag since my appears to have sprouted some sort of spontaneous black hole. Everything goes in, but nothing every comes out. At least, nothing comes out on this planet. Perhaps my used chewing gum wrappers, cookie crumbs, and ketchup and salt packets are spewing out on some street on the other side of the universe? If so, I could be the cause of an alien invasion. They could be on their way right now to teach us a lesson in tidiness. Yikes.
I hope you’ll take a photo of your new handbag and post it soon. Can’t wait to see it! xoxo
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Oh, and I love the story above! Shall we start packing bottles of maple syrup in our bags, too? Along with toilet rolls, waded up tissues, old chewing gum, and razors we’ll be prepared for anything. xoxo
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On the toilet usage instruction:
“dilarang merokok di area [sic] toilet” pertains to no smoking in the loo area. The misspelling and extra letter do make it a little bit less expellatory.
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wow, mine has a zippered compartment that I always zip up cos it’s where my wallet is kept. what could that mean?
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Lottie you always blow me away,with your creative writing..what a journalist! A mentor for those of us,starting our dream. My purse is a Vera Bradley quilted snap.handbag..however the inside contains,some ,um hmm…things that people would look and be stunned.i guess never judge a purse or vagina by its cover,AHA! great reading once again!
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