My Epic Mother Of The Bride Fail


Mr and Mrs Staffordshire
Mr and Mrs Staffordshire

As I troughed down the last of the roast potatoes, polished off the remnants of pudding, and then sank an entire packet of Jelly Belly’s, I vowed, not just to myself, but also to the fine assembled company round me that,that by August 22nd 2014 I would look like a stick insect. Everyone chuckled, they know me and my appetite well. ‘Why August 22nd?’ ‘Because it’s the date for my eldest daughter’s wedding and I had no desire to be the fattest person in the wedding photographs – simple as that.’ My dear friend Mo (a thinnifer in comparison) suggested that if I really was going to try and morph myself in to a stick insect or something resembling something close to one, then it was necessary for a reality weigh-in. It was Christmas Day, we had just eaten an enormous lunch and now it was time for everyone’s favourite after dinner game ‘Guess the weight of the pig’. ‘No ifs or buts, Lottie’ Mo said hurriedly shooing me upstairs and in to her bathroom. There in the corner sat a set of electric scales, the sort that don’t lie and which you can’t jiggle around on one foot on. I held my hands over my face and then slowly, very slowly, parted my fingers before looking down – ‘*&^%$£%???!!!!!!!!!’ Fleeing as fast as my fat legs could carry me, I fled from the bathroom, down the stairs and straight in to the loving arms of the chocolate box and a large glass of Bailey’s.

Like billions of other hopeful Fatty-Puffs across the globe, January heralded the start of a shiny new diet regime. Instead of sticking to what I know works best for me, I decided to give Paleo a try. I watched countless Youtube videos about the Paleo diet, the cooking techniques, and various dashing, fit young men doing amazing things with courgettes; I was smitten. But the novelty of slicing courgettes in to ribbons and then pretending that it’s spaghetti wore thin. And when I say thin, please don’t for one second mistake that for weight-loss.

For three months I religiously stuck to the Caveman diet. I ate nuts, seeds, fruit, fish, vegetables and meat. I ditched dairy, anything with carbs and tried to limit my alcohol intake. It worked for a bit. I lost some weight, maybe even a couple of chins. But then I got bored. ‘Lottieness, you lack restraint’ I wanted to slap Irishman when he said it, but it’s true, I do lack restraint. BIG TIME. I need a restraining order not a diet.

With Leonora’s wedding just days away (three to be precise) I’ve left it a little late to be thinking about what to wear. According to various wedding websites, I should have given all my waking hours in the past months to thinking/planning my outfit for this special day (in fact I think Irishman may have to eat his words, I have shown GREAT restraint in the buying department), Mother of The Bride or MOB is proving to be quite a scary role. Amongst the 101 do’s and don’ts for MOB’s, the rule of thumb is that you are meant to look fabulous but not so fabulous that you steal the show from your daughter (no worries there), Choose your outfit colour so that you don’t clash with the bridesmaids, and wedding etiquette dictates that it’s polite to ask the MOG what she is wearing so that you don’t turn up in identical outfits. I doubt very much that Leonora’s soon to be MIL will be turning up in a psychedelic onesie with a bright pink rubber penis strapped to her head in lieu of a fascinator. But you never know.

44 thoughts on “My Epic Mother Of The Bride Fail”

    1. Thanks, Puff. Truth be told I’m in a bit of a state. I really have nothing to wear. We arrive in Leeds on Wednesday and i’m going to have to hit the shops running – I’ve got the onesie and the strap-on packed just in case 😉

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  5. Is it too late for me to send over the Shanghai Tang mortgage busting dress that the MOB wore when our eldest married last year. Failing that a camouflage hide and some scrim netting would guarantee anonymity. It will be a great day, Lottie. Relax and enjoy, just like the bride.

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    1. I’d kill to fit in to the sensational Shanghai Tang mortgage busting dress – Mrs Ha looked so radiant and beautiful in it – I’m more BUST than bust so in my dreams! The camouflage hide and scrim netting is an excellent idea. I’ll find something, even if it means ringing a marquee hire company and asking them to erect an enormous tent around my person….:D

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  6. Gosh I can’t believe you’re already a MOB!! I remember your first wedding like it was only yesterday!! Arggh we’re getting so old!! I too suffer from a tad of fatty-puffness and have been doing a really hard gym routine program called “Insanity”. It’s a 60 day program and I’m on day 45 – it’s a REAL KILLER and several times I thought I was going to die but miraculously I’m still alive and kicking and have lost quite a bit too! AND I haven’t had to cut back on the vino or bread & Butter pudding! Yee-haa! Have a look for Insanity – Beachbody. Good luck for the big day XX

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    1. Thanks, Milla. I’m most impressed about your funky killer exercise routine. MOST IMPRESSED, and good on you for sticking with it and DOING IT! I fear that I’ve left it too late for magic fat busting exercise – 3 days?? NO, what i need is radical liposuction, that would do the trick for sure. Yes, 31 years has shot by! 😀

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  7. Thanks I needed that! It was a year ago that Sussn was MOG and I was FOB.
    As MOB you set the rules and enjoy the day with your daughter. The onesie may give the best msn something to say during the speaches and the wedding photos should be real keepers.

    Best wishes to all.

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    1. Gosh, is it really a year now since your daughter’s wedding? Rod, where has the time gone? wow! Thanks for your kind wishes and thoughts. It’s going to be a wonderful and happy day (despite mother’s appalling wedding outfit 😉 )

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  8. Pretty nice shops in Leeds and probably even sales now…At least you won’t have plenty of time to fret over it. I’m sure it will be fabulous. Have a great time! (Love the painting too and I’m afraid the image of the onesie will stay with me now….)

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    1. Yes, I’m sorry Olga. I got the idea from a sketch I once saw of Dawn French dressed up as the Easter Bunny……Leeds is a great place for shopping. I just hope that they’ve got lots of what I call ‘Fat Girl’ shops…does help if you can find something which actually fits!!

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  9. How about asking Pedro to take a photo of MOB in her outfit so we can all see just how stunning you actually look? Erm, take the penis off your head first in case there are children watching,
    xxx Humongous Hugs xxx

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    1. and Humongous Hugs back to you. Your postcard is beside me as I write. I was so excited to receive it – you live in such a beautiful part of the world. I can’t believe how speedily it got here – its a first! I’ll see what I can do about a photo of myself, but no promises – there’s a reason that you never see more than my head in photos on here!! This Fattypuff hates having her photo taken for obvious reasons xxxxxxxx

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      2. Not everyone, David. Pete LOVES having his photo taken, in fact barely a day goes by when I’m either not photographing him or, he’s asking me to take his photo. I’ve always hated it and it’s even worse when the cheek bones have vanished and the spare tyres are visible. Regardless of whether I’m in fattypuff or a thinifer mode, I have always worn black – I love it. Just occasionally I’ll throw in a bit of scarlet for good measure. I wore a scarlet outfit when I married Pete. Hugs right back at ya! xxxxxxxx

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    1. Sarah, I’d look an absolute fright in beige – I’m not fond of pale colours anyway but beige sucks, especially on fatso’s – not a good look. I’m pretty sure that I shall be draped from head to foot in black, or something very bright, swathed in bright scarves and wearing tons of ethnic jewellery – sort of Frieda Kahlo’esque but somewhat porkier 😉

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  11. Oh gee Lottie, do not be so hard on yourself. Trying to get slim is very hard especiily when you wan to lose.I know that you will look lovely in whatever you choose to wear. I love black and think it is the non-color that looks best on me. Wear what pleases you. I know the day will be a very good one. Lots of memories in the area of the wedding. I hope they’ll be happy ones.

    Love the paintings. So cute. Looks like Mr and Mrs Staffie are maybe some King Charles Spaniels? I know the staffers are actually the company that made them, I think.

    Have a good trip and you’ll need to write about the big day when you get back home.

    Hugs a bunch, yvonne

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    1. Mr and Mrs Staffordshire are indeed King Charles Spaniels and not Staffordshire dogs! When I’m in less of a rush I shall send you a link about the potteries.
      The wedding is going to fun and it will be so good to have many of the family there – it’s going to be the first time in ages and ages that I get to see all of my 5 together so lots of pictures for posterity. Please pray for decent weather, it’s cold up there now, about 15c so a some sunshine would be perfect! Bunches of love to you, Yvonne and I hope that you are feeling better. Catch up when I’m back on Sunday. We leave in a few hours so I’ve got to ‘shake a leg’ as they say! xxxxxxxx

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  14. LOL! The image of a onesie and pink penis will keep me smiling today. I applaud you for sticking to Paleo for three months. You DID show restraint and I have to say I probably would have given up after two weeks. I’m positive you will find a fabulous outfit that will make you look fabulous. Congrats to the almost newly married couple and to the MIL’s 🙂

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    1. Thank you 🙂 We’ve just arrived in Leeds and today I shall be running round like a headless chicken trying to find something to wear. It’s 7am, I’m wide awake and girding my loins for a day of shopping. Looking forward to tomorrow, The Big Day! 🙂

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  19. Ah the loving embrace of chocolate — far better than most. Chocolate rarely passes judgement. Too bad humans don’t re-embrace that old Rubenesque standard — or better yet, one that lets each of us be what we are. Until then, chocolate knows best! 😈
    Hugs!

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    1. I’m afraid that moderation has never been my forte. I’m a bon viveur, a glutton and cannot resist good food or wine. My idea of relaxing is cooking, I LOVE it! and all this is fine when one is youthful but then suddenly middle-age creeps up on you and so does the waistline – it sucks!! 🙂 Hugs to you xxx

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      1. Keep on cooking and sipping, Lottie. Cooking is a great creative outlet.
        And how much good is life if we aren’t allowed to enjoy it just because society thinks we don’t look good enough? 😈 Cook & sip. Sip & cook. Mega-hugs.

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